Expecting

One of the things I miss most about being pregnant, honestly, is the freedom to unabashedly let my belly hang waaaay out (okay, so feeling my baby kick and roll and respond to my pokes is pretty high up there too, but it seriously felt good to just let that belly hang).

I took a pregnancy test several weeks ago and it was negative.  This was after feeling certain ovulation had occurred several weeks before (felt that twang and everything) and that I was therefore three weeks “late.”  I felt pregnant too: consistent but mild lower abdominal cramping, indigestion, headaches, my belly seemed to be expanding, and all following a smiling OPK with no period.  Turns out I just needed to take it easy on the Thanksgiving leftovers.  It may be worth noting at this point that my periods haven’t actually returned at all yet, and my great hope as I pulled out the Clear Blues was that we had managed to catch that first egg.  ‘Tis the season of miraculous conceptions, right?

I’m embarrassed to admit that I’d already started planning how we would tell our families when we saw them at Christmas (which, based on when I felt that twang, was going to fall exactly at the end of the first trimester – perrrfect!).  Our moms both loved receiving a calendar last year with different pictures of Hiccup each month and had each requested another one this year; so the plan was to feature the new baby’s sonogram picture on the month s/he would have been due (June).  Hey, I’m a planner.  I like to plan; and false modesty aside – this was a pretty good one.  Actually, if any of you are expecting and planning to tell your families at Christmas, feel free to use my calendar idea – it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Admittedly, my hopes may have been set a little high, but it didn’t seem that way a few weeks ago.  We conceived Hiccup our first month off the pill so there was precedent on which to hang such hopes; but now I’m just hoping not to go crazy with phantom pregnancies.  This post is in no way a ploy for sympathy, by the way.  With friends who have been trying for baby #1 for five plus years, the Professor and I know we’re lucky and we’re both filled to the brim with gratitude for our little squish.  I’m just wondering what to do.  The Professor and I have not been in our twenties for a few years now but would like to have more children (more than two) so there does seem to be a little bit of pressure to speed things along.

My old-nature reaction is to push forward (make it happen!).  There are quite a few things we could try like force-weaning Hiccup in order to jumpstart ovulation (we had thought that being gone for ten hours at work without pumping would do this, but alas, it has not).  I could take herbs which supposedly help, go back on the pill temporarily to regulate my cycles, explore acupressure/puncture, and so on.  None of these things however are guaranteed to work and some of them almost certainly would jeopardize my milk supply for Hiccup.  As someone whose needs, in at least one sense, were pushed aside as a child for those of a younger sibling, I’m pretty committed to not doing anything that would make Hiccup feel “abandoned.”

Perhaps we’re wrong though.  Maybe that sense of pressure (and the idea that we can control what happens even if there is pressure) is false, and we just need to wait.  Not do anything except be ready.  That seems right in light of the One on whom my true hopes rest.  So we’re going to just wait.  Wait and hope and trust.  Christmas (and especially Advent) is a great season for doing just that.

Luke 1:46-55

And Mary said,

“My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.
And his mercy is for those who fear him
from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;
he has brought down the mighty from their thrones
and exalted those of humble estate;
he has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
 in remembrance of his mercy,
as he spoke to our fathers,
 to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

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